4-minute read · Individual
You can’t always stop the thoughts. But you can change your relationship with them, and that can change everything.
It’s 2am. Your body is exhausted but your mind is wide awake, replaying a conversation from work, rehearsing tomorrow, adding items to the list of things that could go wrong.
You try to think about something else. You try to stop thinking altogether. The harder you fight, the louder it gets.
Why fighting your thoughts often backfires
Our minds are brilliant at language: replaying the past, predicting the future, comparing and judging. Usually that helps us. But when we start treating every thought as a fact, we can end up avoiding what matters, withdrawing from people, or being driven by fear and self-criticism.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a different question. Instead of “How do I get rid of these thoughts?”, ACT asks, “How can I live a full, meaningful life, even with these thoughts?”
Three skills at the heart of ACT
Acceptance: making gentle room for difficult feelings instead of battling them.
Mindfulness: noticing what is happening now, with curiosity rather than judgement. A thought like “I can’t cope” becomes something you notice, not an order you obey.
Values-based action: taking small steps towards what truly matters to you, even when your mind is noisy.
Learning to pivot
Together, these build what ACT calls psychological flexibility: the ability to stay present, open up to what you feel, and still choose how you act. It might look like staying with a hard feeling rather than numbing it, or being kind to someone while your mind is being harsh with you.
Mindfulness here isn’t about emptying your mind. It’s about relating differently to whatever your mind is doing.
You are not your thoughts. You are the one who notices them.
Pause and reflect
Take a quiet moment with these questions. You might like to write your answers down, or talk them over with someone you trust.
What thoughts tend to hook you most strongly?
What do you miss out on when you follow them?
What matters most to you, underneath the worry?
Try this tonight: “I’m having the thought that…”
When a painful thought shows up, say it to yourself: “I’m useless.”
Now add a frame: “I’m having the thought that I’m useless.”
Then: “I notice I’m having the thought that I’m useless.” Notice the small space that opens up.
You don’t have to do this alone
If you feel overwhelmed by your thoughts or stuck in unhelpful patterns, I offer mindfulness-based ACT in Campsie and online across Australia. You might also be interested in my group program, Mastering Intrusive Thoughts – For Adults.
Individual counselling →
Group programs and workshops →
If you are in crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or 000 in an emergency.
ACT was developed by Steven C. Hayes and colleagues. Ideas here are described in my own words.