The Four Horsemen: Four Communication Patterns That Can Damage a Relationship…
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
Sometimes it's not what you're arguing about—it's how you're arguing
Most couples disagree.
Healthy relationships aren't relationships without conflict.
What concerns me professionally is what happens during conflict.
Are you criticising each other's character?
Becoming defensive?
Speaking with contempt?
Or completely shutting down?
The Gottman method identifies four particularly destructive patterns known as the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
1. Criticism: "There's something wrong with you"
A complaint focuses on a behaviour:
"I felt hurt when you didn't call."
Criticism attacks the person:
"You never think about anyone but yourself."
If you find yourself using words such as always, never, selfish, lazy or uncaring, you may have moved from raising an issue to attacking your partner's character.
The alternative is a gentle start-up:
"I felt lonely when I didn't hear from you, and I'd really like us to find a way to stay connected."
2. Defensiveness: "It's not my fault"
You raise a concern.
Your partner immediately explains why it isn't their fault.
Then you explain why it actually is.
And suddenly you're keeping score.
I often encourage people to consider a different question:
"Is there even a small part of this that I can take responsibility for?"
Taking responsibility doesn't mean accepting all the blame.
It means staying open to your partner's experience.
3. Contempt: "I'm better than you"
Contempt is particularly corrosive because it communicates superiority.
Sarcasm.
Mocking.
Eye-rolling.
Insults.
Belittling.
If you notice yourself looking down on your partner during conflict, it's worth taking seriously.
A relationship needs disagreement without humiliation.
4. Stonewalling: "I'm done"
Sometimes you don't attack.
You disappear.
You stop talking.
You walk away.
You shut down.
Stonewalling can happen when someone becomes physiologically overwhelmed. In those moments, the person may be trying to protect themselves from further escalation.
The problem is that withdrawal can make the other person pursue even harder.
And the cycle continues.
What can you do instead?
We work on the practical antidotes:
Criticism → gentle start-up
Defensiveness → take responsibility
Contempt → describe feelings and needs
Stonewalling → physiological self-soothing
You don't have to communicate perfectly.
But you can learn to communicate differently.
If conflict has become destructive in your relationship, counselling can help you understand these patterns and practise healthier ways of responding.
At Joseph Counselling + Psychotherapy, we can work together to understand what is happening beneath the conflict and begin building a more respectful, connected relationship.