3-minute read · Couples
Sometimes you stop being able to think, and it isn’t because you don’t care.
Your partner is still talking, but you can’t really hear the words any more. Your heart is pounding. Your face is hot. Part of you wants to shout, and part of you wants to walk out the door and keep walking.
Afterwards, you either say something you regret or go completely numb. Neither is who you want to be.
Your body is trying to protect you
When we feel under threat, the body switches into survival mode. Heart rate climbs, breathing gets shallow, and the thinking part of the brain goes quiet. It is the same system that helps us escape danger. It isn’t built for listening to someone we love.
That is why pushing on with the conversation often makes things worse. You are both trying to talk while your bodies are getting ready to fight or flee.
It isn’t a character flaw
Partners who shut down are often called cold. Partners who get loud are often called aggressive. Very often, both are simply overwhelmed. Understanding that can take a great deal of blame out of the room.
It is very hard to listen with love when your body thinks it is in danger.
Pause and reflect
Take a quiet moment with these questions. You might like to write your answers down, or talk them over with someone you trust.
What are the first signs in your body that an argument is getting too big?
What do you tend to do when you reach that point?
What might your partner be experiencing in their body at the same moment?
Want to go deeper?
Our free guide, Stop the same fight, goes a little deeper: the signs you are caught in a pattern, the questions that help you see what is underneath, and a reflection page to share together.
If your arguments often get bigger than either of you can manage, I offer couples counselling in Campsie and online.
Get the free guide: Stop the same fight →
Couples counselling →
Book a free 15-minute call →
If you are in crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or 000 in an emergency.