3-minute read · Couples
The topic keeps changing. The ending never does.
It started with a forgotten text. Within minutes it was about every forgotten text, every late night, every time one of you felt like an afterthought. You both know how this ends: raised voices, a closed door, a long, silent evening.
Later, lying awake, you wonder how two people who love each other keep ending up here.
The argument isn’t really the problem
Most couples who come to see me aren’t short of love. They are caught in a loop. One partner reaches out, often a little sharply. The other feels criticised and pulls back. That pulling back feels like rejection, so the first partner reaches harder. Round and round it goes.
From inside the loop, it looks like your partner is the problem. From the outside, it is usually two people trying to protect themselves in opposite ways.
One small insight
The loop has a life of its own. Naming the pattern, instead of blaming each other, is often the first moment couples start to feel like a team again. And what sits underneath the loop is usually far more tender than either of you is saying out loud.
Often you aren’t fighting about different things. You are both afraid of the same thing: losing each other.
Pause and reflect
Take a quiet moment with these questions. You might like to write your answers down, or talk them over with someone you trust.
If your arguments had a name, what would you call the pattern?
What do you usually do when you start to feel unheard?
What might your partner be protecting when they react the way they do?
Want to go deeper?
Our free guide, Stop the same fight, goes a little deeper: the signs you are caught in a pattern, the questions that help you see what is underneath, and a reflection page to share together.
If the loop feels too strong to step out of on your own, I offer couples counselling in Campsie and online, and Marathon Couples Therapy for couples who want focused time to reset.
Get the free guide: Stop the same fight →
Couples counselling →
Marathon Couples Therapy →
Book a free 15-minute call →
If you are in crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or 000 in an emergency.