3-minute read · Couples
Some disagreements don’t get solved. They get understood.
It is the same disagreement every few months: how much time to spend with family, how to handle money, where you see yourselves in five years. You have tried compromising. You have tried avoiding it. It always comes back.
Lately, just hearing the topic makes both of you tense.
Not every problem has a neat solution
Every couple has a few differences that never fully go away, because they come from who each person is: their personality, their upbringing, their values. That is normal, even in happy relationships.
The trouble starts when these differences become a tug-of-war, where giving any ground feels like losing yourself.
What is behind the position
When a topic won’t shift, it is usually connected to something deeper: a hope, a fear, a memory or a sense of who you are. Arguing about the surface rarely helps. Understanding what it means to each of you often does.
When a disagreement won’t move, it is often because something important is standing behind it.
Pause and reflect
Take a quiet moment with these questions. You might like to write your answers down, or talk them over with someone you trust.
What is the disagreement that keeps coming back for you both?
What does your side of it mean to you, deep down?
What do you really know about why it matters so much to your partner?
Want to go deeper?
Our free guide, Stop the same fight, goes a little deeper: the signs you are caught in a pattern, the questions that help you see what is underneath, and a reflection page to share together.
If you have been stuck on the same issue for a long time, I offer couples counselling in Campsie and online, and Marathon Couples Therapy for couples who want focused time together.
Get the free guide: Stop the same fight →
Couples counselling →
Marathon Couples Therapy →
Book a free 15-minute call →
If you are in crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or 000 in an emergency.