3-minute read · Couples
One of you wants to talk it out now. The other needs to get away. Both of you feel alone.
“Can we talk about this?” “Not now.” “We never talk about anything!” The door closes. One of you is left in the kitchen, heart racing. The other sits in the car, wishing the whole thing would just stop.
Each of you is sure the other is the problem.
Two ways of coping with the same fear
The partner who pursues usually isn’t trying to attack. They are trying to reconnect, and the silence feels unbearable. The partner who withdraws usually isn’t trying to punish. They are trying to stop things getting worse, and the intensity feels unbearable.
The more one reaches, the more the other retreats. The more one retreats, the more the other reaches.
Underneath the chase
People who pursue often fear being unimportant or left behind. People who withdraw often fear failing, or not being good enough. Both fears are really about how much the relationship matters. When couples can see this, the person in front of them starts to look less like an opponent and more like someone who is scared too.
The one who chases and the one who runs are usually afraid of the same thing.
Pause and reflect
Take a quiet moment with these questions. You might like to write your answers down, or talk them over with someone you trust.
In your relationship, are you more often the one who reaches, or the one who retreats?
What are you afraid might happen if you stopped?
What might your partner need in that moment that they find hard to ask for?
Want to go deeper?
Our free guide, Stop the same fight, goes a little deeper: the signs you are caught in a pattern, the questions that help you see what is underneath, and a reflection page to share together.
If this pattern has become the shape of your relationship, I offer couples counselling in Campsie and online, and Marathon Couples Therapy for couples who want focused time to reset.
Get the free guide: Stop the same fight →
Couples counselling →
Marathon Couples Therapy →
Book a free 15-minute call →
If you are in crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or 000 in an emergency.